hurricane
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Post by hurricane on Jul 10, 2013 4:02:41 GMT
Ok, I just gotta rant! My mother - in - law is driving me nuts! It all got worse back in November when she wanted my sons to sleep over one weekend and my husband (her son) was trying to explain to her that they both had really big school projects due soon and they needed to stay home and work on them. She kept arguing, and as I took my older son out the door to go do some Chanukah shopping he needed to do I told her clearly that they couldn't come, they were busy with schoolwork and their fencing lessons, she'd have them for Christmas and that was just how it was now that they are older. So for a Christmas present I get a promise of TV trays (which I didn't want, the "house" wanted) and purse I wanted and two coffee mugs with sayings on them about how I always have to be right. I found the mugs insulting and the TV trays still haven't materialized and she hasn't said another word about those since she brought them up at Easter and I said point blank that I didn't want them anyway, ours are just wobbly and it's her son who cares about it, not me.
So anyway, she is fairly pleasant for a while, but then gets pissy with me about the boys staying over with her again a few weeks ago. It isn't like she doesn't see them, she's here all the time, at least once a week, sometimes more, and never waits to be invited. So they spent last Thursday night, Friday and Saturday with her and we were all at my sister in law's on Thursday afternoon hanging out in the pool when she starts harping on my hubby about the boys should take karate for self defense. Nothing prompted this and neither of my boys has been bullied. But she kept going on and on. This is the first time my hubby had one of her rants directed at him, so now he knows I'm not nuts when I tell him she does this stuff.
Well today she drops by and it starts out pleasant enough, but then she asks about my younger son's white socks. I told her he and his brother no longer wear the same size, and so as to make sock sorting easier the older one ( who wears the same size as his dad) splits the supply of white socks with him and my younger son has grey and black socks, and a few white ones that are short that he really doesn't like. She started In on how he shouldn't wear black socks in the summer, that they "draw" his foot. She could not explain what the heck she meant by this, and got very agitated, especially when I explained I knew all about socks, I make them for crying out loud, and the color isn't an issue, it is the material that matters. She just kept repeating that they "draw" his foot and made like a pinching motion with her hand.
My birthday is coming up, I'm expecting another insult gift thinly disguised as a "joke" like the mugs were at Christmas.
Thanks so much for listening to my little rant. I just needed to get it off my chest.
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mags
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Post by mags on Jul 13, 2013 18:25:25 GMT
oh i can totally sympathise with you there.
When i was married my mother in law was a right bitch. She would try to tell me how to bring up the kids (she only ever had one child!) and everything i did was wrong.
I remember when i had just had my eldest, i had a horrendous 48 hour labour and ended up with an emergency c section and was very ill as i almost died from blood loss, it took me almost 2 years to recover. She came to the house 2 weeks after i had my daughter, i'd only just got out of hospital the day before (she never bothered to visit the hospital) and proceeded to have a go at me because there was a pile of nappies and all the other stuff i needed for my baby very close at hand and she thought it looked untidy, she also started a shouting match with me (waking the baby) because i "apprently refused" to make her a cup of tea, i could barely stand up at this point and couldn't really walk very far) her son said nothing just made light of it and he made her a cup of tea, he was very surprised when he came back into the living room to a stony silence.
She had basically told me i was a useless piece of you know what and i didn't "deserve" to be married to her son and she doubted our daughter was his, my reply was to tell her she either shuts her trap or gets out my house and didn't let the door hit her on the way out. She had her cup of tea and left, my husband refused to believe she said any of this and told me i was the one losing the plot, he never believed anything i said about his mother, so i just didn't bother saying anything eventually.
When i informed her exactly why i was divorcing her son, she had the cheek to tell me i should stay with him in an "open" relationship and let him carry on with his affairs and other shenanigans for the sake of the kids and i should stay home "like a good little wife" lol she didn't like my answer.
Well she got her karma, her "good little son" got another woman pregnant on a one night stand and to please his mum he stayed with this woman for a year, where he cheated on her constantly as well.
After that i had a phone call from her apologising for her behaviour and she told me the best thing i ever did was to divorce her son, a complete turn around from her. We still don't get on brilliantly but for the sake of my kids i am pleasant to her and even went so far as to knit her a beautiful shawl for christmas last year at the request of my kids.
Some mothers in law can be fantastic, others can be right nasty so and so's the only advice i can give is to smile sweetly, count to 100 (10 won't be enough) and just let her be.
I would also inform her your sons are old enough to make their own decisions and it's up to them if they want to go stay with her or not. Glad your husband has finally been on the receiving end of one of her rants, now he will understand what you have to put up with.
As for the "joke" gifts, I would buy her "joke" gifts as well, see how she likes it. 
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hurricane
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Post by hurricane on Jul 15, 2013 17:09:27 GMT
She can be sweet and helpful when she wants to. Most of the time she acts as if I'm keeping her from the kids ( I'm not, they are 11 and 14 they have lives, sports, school, friends and chores) and that I treat her meanly ( I don't). She makes plans for and with the kids without clearing things with me first and then she and my (single,never married, childless) sister in law act as though I'm out of line if I say no or I wanted to take the kids to that movie, show whatever. She buys them junk food we've asked her not to, does their chores for them then complains to me that their room is a mess. No kidding, they are waiting for someone else to do their work! I could go on and on and on. The problem is they don't do it in front of my hubby, so he believes me, but won't do a thing about it because he hasn't seen it. The few times he did witness them treating me crappy he has done nothing. He is a fantastic husband otherwise.
I really can't take the pressure from them anymore. We like to take the kids on a summer day trip to a local amusement park every year and my sister in law has started inviting herself along. She pays her own park fee and food, but doesn't offer gas money or parking as far as I'm aware. I want just the four of us family time, but I have to bring her along. Now my (300 lb) sister has decided she would like to come with us this year too. She can't walk, won't be able to do any of the rides, and will act as though I'm a major bitch when I tell her that she can't come for those reasons ( especially if Sister in law comes along and she finds out, which she will).
My head is about to explode! I'm constantly tense and frustrated! I'll be turning 50 in a few weeks and I'm dreading the extended family. I want to have a few friends over to celebrate, but can't do that without asking family too, so I'm doing nothing. That's right, NOTHING! I'll bake myself my favorite cake on the day and that's it!
I'm fortunate not to have the same issue with a cheating bastard you did Mags.
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losty
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Post by losty on Jul 16, 2013 9:20:37 GMT
Oh my goodness, poor Hurricane! This is one tricky and delicate balancing act. My MIL died some time ago, before Mr Losty made his sudden great announcement which ended in divorce (messing on his own doorstep under my trusting nose with a mutual friend - hahahaha it didn't last)
Gladys (MIL) was OK really - never wanted to be unkind to me and certainly never to my boys - but grossly insensitive.Mr Losty was her total favourite - he was her second son, with a sister some 8 yrs later. Richard, my lovely BIL was simply ignored because he grew up fat which was a no-no for a lady who was anorexic before it was invented ( problem was, she did the feeding, one of those traits of cooking lavish meals, but not eating herself)
Our wedding was one of those difficult ones - my side are totally weird and feckless, and Gladys was depressed, not seeing why the world shouldn't know. When Mr Losty made his speech, she got into a snit because he didn't mention his long-dead father. Wowww - honeymoon with him worrying about it, sending postcards every day blah blah blah. She did sulk a lot if she was "ignored" in the slightest.
There was a bit of passive-aggression. When I had my second son, she came to help, and because I didn't have the breakfast she liked (only a matter of marmite not marmalade on my toast) I was presented with the toast with about an inch of marmite on it! Really not very big things, but Mr Losty who had to continue to be the best little boy in town always had to try not to get her into a strop. As did his brother and sis, though his brother just cheerfully took life as it came, and if she wasn't speaking to him, he'd just laugh and wait until she did.
Mr Losty is getting more like his mother as he ages!
Ok, enough of me. Now, as to your boys, you are quite right in how you are going about things - they are getting older, have lots of schoolwork and growing up things to do, and she sees lots of them. Rant here any time you like, but stick to what you are doing, which is quite right. I think it's sometimes hard for husbands to see their mothers in quite the same light .... my American SIL was telling me stuff that my mum had said to her, while my bro stood to one side giggling. I could believe mum had done it, but NOT that my bro just found it amusing. All I could say to Barb was how sorry I was, and what an incredibly good wife she is. Just keep on going ...
Now, presents .... well let me see. What I did (Gladys considered herself very sophisticated) was buy her incredibly cerebral and virtually unreadable books, which she couldn't say she didn't like without revealing something she didn't want to.
Thank you both for sharing - with two sons, I am busy picking up as many tips as possible so that I am NOT the MIL from down there if and when the time comes. I did my child rearing by thinking "what would my mother have done?" then doing the opposite! The only time I fell on her like a pack of wolves was when she was about to smack my 3 month old baby! She was definitely of the "see a child and smack it school." This might explain how it comes about that i fondly call my much older brothers "Mad, Bad and Dangerous"
Ok, Sarah, shut up. x
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hurricane
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Post by hurricane on Jul 16, 2013 17:05:33 GMT
Sarah,,
Just being able to vent and get sympathy from you all has been so helpful. I'm thinking of re gifting her the coffee mugs this year, and hubby said ok. I doubt I can bring myself to be that rude though.
My poor husband got an earful in the car yesterday on the drive to the boy's fencing lessons. I just couldn't stop myself.
My father suggested I secretly video tape her next time she is doing it. With my I pad always nearby it would be easy enough to do. Then I'll have irrefutable proof of her baloney.
My husband even heard her and his sister "ask " if they could have the boys Friday night overnight and all day Saturday. He actually heard them "ask". They were actually telling me they were taking them on Friday and going to take them to a movie on Saturday. When I stated I had hoped to take the boys to the movie they named my SIL got a nasty expression and semi nastily said well they'd have to take them to something else and there really wasn't much. She named another movie and I said I'd hoped to see that one with them too. I also told them I'd have to check the schedule later on when we got home even though 1) I knew damn well they had no plans and 2) my i pad was right there to check easily. Just my little way of fighting back.
They are still getting them and going to the movie they wanted, because they always end up getting their way, but my husband heard a ton about how angry I am about it. I also told him again I would no longer be going to his mother's house for Christmas. We will, of course, fight about this again in December.
I told him that I'm sick of what I want and what I need always being shunted aside. We will see if anything changes, but don't anyone hold their breath.
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losty
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Post by losty on Jul 16, 2013 17:19:45 GMT
Ok, kiddo, keep ranting and keep us updated, while sticking to your principles. I'm an outsider , but is there jealousy on the part of your in-laws muddling their heads? Hmmm ... your Dad's suggestion sounds exactly the kind my dad would make xx
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hurricane
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Post by hurricane on Jul 17, 2013 13:21:00 GMT
Sarah,
I never thought of it. I'm sure my sister in law wishes the kids and the dogs were hers, but what could be my mother in law's problem? I think it is simply because I'm not her idea of what a wife and a mother should be, and I don't kiss her fanny and I dare to disagree with her. I don't think she likes being told no. Plus she is 84 now, so that could explain why she is getting worse with me than she used to be. She acts like she never sees the kids. My (ill) parents are in Florida and haven't seen them in almost 4 years! So my MIL really shouldn't complain if she misses seeing them one week!
My boys have actually opted to go to her house Friday night and play bingo with her and the other old folks, sleep over and then go to the pool at my sister in law's condo ( never anyone else there with kids their age) and then a movie on Saturday rather than stay home and go to a pool party with family friends on Saturday where one of my younger son's buddies will be. I wasn't really hot on going to the pool party, but really! The in laws have the kids totally spoiled and brainwashed!
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losty
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Post by losty on Jul 17, 2013 16:37:31 GMT
Hmmm, keep ranting, it may well help. I'm not excusing MIL but if she's that age, she could easily wish she were still at an age with 2 sons, a busy life etc. That is not an excuse for her being so overbearing though, something that you can see is increasing as she ages. Do you know how your sons feel? I know they get spoiling, but they may have feelings of "be nice to grandma". They sound like good kids, does it help to turn it over that way?. I'm not boasting, but mine would have been a bit dutiful...
How rotten that your own parents have only been able to see so little of them.That's heartbreaking for them and you and your boys must be missing so much.
Something that may happen - not yet, but as they get a bit older, is that they will want and need to hang out with their own friends. Mine didn't really want family holidays/vacation with me and Mr Losty as much. As we and other adult chaps could afford it, we'd go to Europe taking a friend along, and the other family would take ours along. Spoilt brats then got 2 trips. This wasn't a prob going to USA or Canada because they had cousins there.
I can't think of much more to add, except I'm around for you to vent. xxx Sarah
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hurricane
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Post by hurricane on Jul 18, 2013 2:00:53 GMT
Sarah, I never thought of it. Younger one may be doing it out of a sense of duty, but my older son likes getting treated like a spoiled prince. There may be somewhat of a sense of duty there too though. Wish I could bring myself to calm down a little more about it, but my blood just keeps boiling every time I think of all the things I've done that I didn't want to do just so everyone would be happy and get along. Unfortunately I AM NOT HAPPY, MY NEEDS ARE NOT BEING TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT! I'm sick of always rolling over and showing my belly like a submissive dog just so my in laws are happy. I need to make a few changes and one of them is going to be I will do what I want to do and if they don't like it well too damn bad.
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losty
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Post by losty on Jul 19, 2013 14:55:32 GMT
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you
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hurricane
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Post by hurricane on Jul 20, 2013 14:35:14 GMT
Love ya! Needed to see this today! She's at it again!
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losty
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Post by losty on Jul 20, 2013 14:47:27 GMT
Whats she up to now?
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daisybel
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Post by daisybel on Jul 30, 2013 19:02:21 GMT
Having been single all my life and having no children, I'm not qualified to give advice at all but you both have my very sincere sympathy! I do know, though, that mothers in law can be very jealous when they are no longer the centre of their babies' lives. I don't see why you should have to be a doormat - you have more right to have fun with your children than anyone else does. Go your own way and do what you want to and don't let them upset you! I do think taping it might be a good idea, then you could play it back so they can hear what they're really like. With a bit of luck you won't see them for months!
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losty
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Post by losty on Jul 30, 2013 19:10:39 GMT
Thanks daisy, as my mil is no longer around, it is easier. My ex is becoming more and more like her though!
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hurricane
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Post by hurricane on Jul 30, 2013 22:34:17 GMT
Oh daisybel lovely idea, but they only live 1/2 hour away. Keep your fingers crossed they don't aggravate me this week. I'd like to have a pleasant birthday. So far they've left me alone for a while.
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